You see a woman you like on a dating app. She seems great. Now comes the moment of truth—what do you say?
Most guys overthink their first message or, send something that accidentally communicates to her, “I’m a low value guy - please ignore me.”
In this blog I’ll share a key female psychology to help you understand why some types of first messages are winners, and why others should never be sent.
Plus I’ll also explain:
- The 3 kinds of opening messages I’m banning you from sending on a dating app (they never work, unless her account is fake)
- 6 kinds of first messages that will get her excited to respond on a dating app
- Clear templates of messages that work so you can adapt them to her as an individual
And if you’re serious about getting great at messaging, I’ll also explain why my Messaging Toolkit will change the game for you.
Getting real - what’s more important than the first message you send on a dating app?
Before we jump into some messaging do’s and don'ts here’s a few words of caution about using dating apps:
- If your dating app profile sucks then no amazing message will work.
If you routinely find yourself toiling away sending out endless messages to no responses, take a step back and gain feedback on your dating app profile first. Sharpen that axe, before you go and try to cut down that tree!
(I offer profile makeovers as part of my Virtual Masterclass program).
- Not all men do well, or even enjoy dating apps. In fact, in my 15 years experience as a dating coach for men, I’d go as far as to say 90% of the men I work with find meeting women IRL to be not only more effective, but also significantly more rewarding.
How many guys approach her on a dating app = hundreds.
How many men confidently say hello to her in the real world = almost zero.
If you want real world coaching, to gain real results in your dating life, check out my Real Academy program.
What messages shouldn’t you send first on a dating app?
To understand what kind of first messages on dating apps are a huge no-no first you have to understand a key piece of female psychology when it comes to dating.
Women don’t want to date men who are unsuccessful with women.
Women want to date men who are already successful with women, but who choose to pursue her because they believe her to be "special".
(^ Pick up any romance book or movie, and this is often the plot.)
You can ruin all chances of her being attracted to you (online or in real life) by accidentally communicating, “I don’t have many dating options, and because of this I have low standards.”
Message Not To Send First On A Dating App #1
Hey, how’s it going?
How’s your weekend?
Hey!
There are so many reasons why these kinds of messages don’t work: first of all, they’re hard to respond to. The question is so vague, so broad, that it’s hard for her to pick up the conversation and say anything meaningful back.
Whilst you may think you’re being casual, or just writing something easy because you get so few responses you don’t see any point in putting an effort in, they may also remind the women you’re messaging of a kind of guy she never likes to meet!
I call this guy, the Hey Guy. Every woman on social media has at least one Hey Guy kicking around in her DMS. This is the man who intermittently sends her the message `Hey’ every few weeks, without ever getting a response.
His messages to her will look like this:
Hey
Hey
Hey!
Hey
You get the idea.
Whilst this guy thinks he’s rolling the dice on an attractive woman responding to his messages, the fact he’s continuing to message her without any response from the woman, or any suggestion he’s into her for anything beyond her looks, broadcasts to her, “I’m a low value guy with very few dating options.”
Message Not To Send First On A Dating App #2
So how’s single life going?
How are you finding the apps?
If there’s a topic single women don’t want to be reminded of it’s ‘so why are you still single?’
These kinds of messages are a double whammy of bad because first off they make you appear insecure.
Do NOT fish around for details of other guys she’s in touch with or dating. Instead recognise the value you bring to interacting with her. Sure there may be plenty of other guys interested in her, but there’s only one YOU. So project confidence in your messages.
Also, before you’ve been on a few dates with her, this information isn’t relevant to you! Assume she’s messaging a few different guys, as everyone on dating apps does, and get on with showing how you’re better than them!
Secondly, single women face a lot of scrutiny about their single status. For her, it’s frustrating, she may not have met someone yet through chance, or choice.
She may love being single and hate the constant assertion that there must be something 'missing’ because she doesn’t have a partner, or she may really want a boyfriend so this question becomes a real sore spot.
This awkward question shines a spotlight on an area of her life she may not feel great about so avoid it!
Message Not To Send First On A Dating App #3
Hey Rebecca
I liked your profile - particularly that you also like dogs! I have a German Shepherd myself. Have you always had dogs? I grew up in the countryside so dog walking was a part of life. I wondered if you wanted to meet for a coffee (or dinner?) next week? I much prefer chatting in real life. Hope all is going well in West London, Ash x
This message isn’t all bad! At least ‘Ash’ has picked up from `Rebecca’s profile’ a specific detail (more on this later) however he’s tried to move this on too quickly to a date.
Even though he’s picked up on a specific detail from her profile (good), going to the date without her INVESTING back, still communicates, ‘ think you're hot so let’s hang out!’
‘Rebecca’ hasn’t yet done anything to prove herself to ‘Ash’. This means if ‘Ash’ is willing to give her his time on a date that he has low standards for the women he dates and must be desperate.
Now, I know what you’re going to say!!
“Hayley isn’t it good to be upfront and not hide the fact that I’m attracted to her?!’
Yes, but there will be a lot of men who are attracted to her, so what would make you the guy she chooses to spend her time with?
Also, there are a lot of attractive women you could spend your time with (run with me on this one! You are the chooser!) so why would you give up an afternoon of your time, before you see more from her?
We want to take the specific detail from this example but then express it in a catchier, and more playful way, and only ask her out when she has invested in the interaction.
Repeat: only ask her out when she has invested in the interaction.
Three first messages you can send on a dating app to get a positive reply
Now as to what to write...
Instead of giving you exact messages to send, I’m going to give you some perimeters of how to craft unique and engaging first messages. (Plus tons of examples to make it easy for you to use these messages today.)
This is how I like to teach messaging, and it’s also better for you.
Do you remember messages like...
Have you been abducted by aliens?
I do! They were messages that were good at the time, then everyone used them, and they became cliched. This is why it’s critical that not every man reading this blog sends out the same first message!
It’s much, much better to understand what principles make a good message and then to create your own: and it may be easier than you think.
What message should you send first on a dating app - principle #1
Be unique!
If 99.9% of guys say one thing - what can you possibly say that will make you stand out?
This isn’t just about the topics you introduce, it’s about the tone you write the message in. Let me give you an example...
You could say:
So how was your weekend?" (snooze)
Or you could say
When your alarm went off this morning did you think ‘wow that was a great weekend?’
or
OMG how is it Monday?"
Both message examples are asking the same thing, but one is much more unique. It all comes down to choosing to phrase things differently.
Here’s some more examples of how you can turn a simple, “Hi, how are you?” message into something a little more interesting, without going overboard on your effort levels:
“Hi, how are you enjoying this ice cream weather? I’m ducking out of work early to grab frogurt.”
“Hi, have you got the Friday feels? I’ve had a crazy week so I'm looking forward to a good balance of rest and fun this w/e.”
“Hi, how are the Sunday scaries today? I was doing okay until about 6pm then got hit with some existential dread ;-)”
“Hi, so what trouble are you getting into this weekend?”
“Hi, I liked your profile. What’s the most fun thing you’ve got planned this weekend?”
What message should you send first on a dating app - principle #2
Don’t be totally agreeable - introduce an element of challenge.
When people are agreeable to the point of being sycophantic, it can come across as insincere: like you’re trying to get into her favour because you want something.
(And again we’re back to “you’re hot, want to go on a date??”)
So whilst you can give her some praise, show there’s still room for you to like her more.
(This should of course also be for real, because there’s a limit on how much you can like someone before they’ve actually engaged with you.
Purely complimentary:
"Hey Alena, I really like your look in these pictures! You have a great smile too. It’s also really cool you’re into yoga!"
However, this would be better with that challenge element added in...
"Great that you’re into wellness and yoga. I like fitness but I’m more of a crossfit guy. Yoga feels too much like resting for me ;-)"
"Hi Alena, I like that you’re so focused on health and fitness. Do you ever ditch the yoga and do trail running or hiking?”
These examples still give some praise and acknowledge what you have liked about her from her profile* but they show that you’re not just there to please her, and have your own independent world of fun stuff to bring her into.
(*Note: I also hope you’re always picking up on some specific details from her profile to form your first message out of.)
You can use templates like these to craft more messages like the one above:
“Hi NAME, I like that you’re into THING. Have you ever tried OTHER THING?”
“Hi NAME. Is it going to get things off to a bad start if I confess I hate THING, and I’m actually a big fan of OTHER THING?”
“Hi NAME. I like that you seem to have great values around QUALITY - But do you ever find time to be OPPOSITE QUALITY too?”
What message should you send first on a dating app - principle #3
And I know what you’re going to say!!!
But Hayley a lot of women write so little information on their profiles it’s near impossible to craft a first message on a dating app to her that’s fun and relevant.
If you’re faced with a woman’s profile that has very little intel on it, you have 3 options!
- You write something that prompts her to disclose some new information to you like, "So tell me something I’d have never guessed about you from your profile?"
This ticks the box of being challenging too, and not just a fan.
You could go even sassier, “Something about your profile isn’t adding up…” and create intrigue. This may prompt her to respond as she wants to know what you’ve noticed on her profile. Messages like this also demonstrate “I’m a high value guy” as you’re approaching messaging her from the paradigm of, “is she right for me?” rather than, “how do I impress her?”
Only confident, successful men communicate this way.
- You pick up on something from her pictures, “Is that Santorini in the background? I’m doing some island hopping this summer but doing Asia as I have a pad thai addiction issue.”
Tip: Notice how in nearly every example I’m giving I’m encouraging you to share a detail about your life as well as asking something about her. This helps your messages to feel balanced, and builds intrigue about your life.
If there’s not a clear clue in her pictures go off piste and make up a hypothetical scenario she can respond to:
“It’s a rainy day in January, where are you dreaming of travelling to next?”
“If you had a plane ticket tomorrow where would it be to?”
- You decide that if she hasn’t bothered to write a profile she may not be that invested in the whole dating thing generally, and you’re going to say NEXT
And yes I will always be encouraging you to hold really high standards for yourself around dating: remember she has her part to play in this process too!
Successful dating isn’t all about you slavishly trying harder to impress her, it’s often about recognising the value you bring to the table as a partner, and expecting a little more from her!
Your next steps
I love to coach men to success with women. My coaching is step-by-step, confidence boosting and most importantly gets results.
- If you want 100s of examples of great messages to send on dating apps, and step-by-step tutorials on everything from how to flirt with her, to what happens if she stops responding, then you need my Messaging Toolkit program in your life.
- If you want personalised coaching from me, that gives you a complete blueprint for your dating life… and you’re excited about how you can 10x your dating life by meeting women in the real world then let’s chat! About how coaching can transform your confidence and results with women.
