Signaling confidence in a date
You’ve probably heard dating coaches telling you that you need to be playful on your dates; at its core this is because being playful demonstrates to a woman that you don’t have a scarcity mindset with dating.
You’re abundant, confident and fun.
If you’d like to embody these qualities on your dates with her, this blog is all about simple ways to introduce more playfulness into your dates.
So what is being playful?
Being playful is defined as, "Being fond of amusements, light hearted..."
First dates are (at their best) a great opportunity for you to give her a break from her day-to-day life and to have fun. They also enable both of you to get out of your everyday work identities and to have fun. On a deeper level being playful on your dates also demonstrates that you’re not outcome orientated, that you don’t have a scarcity mindset.By joking around, expressing your personality and being laissez-faire on your dates; you’re effectively showing that you’re not fixed on an outcome for that date. You are choosing to express your personality to her, not walk on eggshells, because you're not worried about her rejecting you.You're living in the moment...You're enjoying yourself...You're sexy....
Conversely, if you genuinely believed this date was your one good opportunity with a woman you’re attracted to, your scarcity mindset would probably filter through into communication that would feel tense to her. Playfulness then takes away from any feeling of pressure she might experience on the date. She will read your playfulness as a good indicator that you’re emotionally in a similar space to her: That you’re open to exploring this connection, but that you haven’t come to a firm conclusion about where this could be going yet.
So how can you bring more playfulness into your dates, and avoid a scarcity mindset meddling with you? Well of course it starts with your mindset.
If your narrative going into a date is, "how do I get her to like me?" BINGO you’ve put yourself under crippling pressure, and you’ll really inhibit your natural ability to come across confidently.
Instead the "ideal" way to see a date is as a 2 way street: you express yourself, she expresses herself and you work out if there’s some compatibility in the middle. Of course this mindset is easier said than accessed: If you’ve had a long standing issue with having a scarcity mindset around dating then consider booking in a call with me to discuss how we can work on this!
In the meantime here are 3 simple techniques for you to bring more playfulness into your dates:
Technique 1: Playfully disagree with her
If you’re focused on an outcome "I want this date to go well!" (scarcity mindset!) you might become preoccupied with the whole date feeling "perfect".
If you show a willingness to disagree with her, then you indicate that you value yourself, and aren’t just a "yes man".
She’s not looking to date someone who’s a fan of hers, who fawns over everything she does, and never actually bothers to engage with who she really is.
She wants to date a man who is "whole" without her. She wants to enjoy the spark of joking around about how you’re similar, but also different. She wants it to be exciting getting to know you (and there’s nothing exciting about someone who just says "yes" to you constantly.)
Provided you express yourself playfully, so your comments can’t be misread as a criticism; revel in your points of difference:
"We are so different!" "You’re the organised one, and I bring you some much needed spontaneity." "I’ve got to convince you to go diving sometime..."
Technique 2: Self deprecating and self confident at the same time.
Another great way to introduce more playfulness into your dates is to master the art of being surface level self deprecating, deeper level self confident at the same time.
The truth is, on a date there may be some occasions where you feel nervous, or something doesn’t go to plan. Rather than keeping this information to yourself, and slowly letting it psyche you out; authentically tell her what you’re feeling and laugh at yourself.
One caveat: Go over the top so she can understand that you’re sharing is intended to be humorous, and not an impromptu therapy session. "Urgh I spent 6 hours planning this date, and now there’s a stag party right in the bar I wanted to take you too." "You’re making me nervous" "Wow, that wasn’t very smooth; you might want to not mention that one to your girlfriends." "Okay my timing sucks but..."
The trick here is to mismatch your words with your emotions. Your words may seem underconfident, but delivered playfully will present you as that jaw droopingly authentic, self confident guy you want to be.
Technique 3: Gamify your dates.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, dates are a great form of escapism.
Dates can also be an opportunity for you to get creative, and do something unexpected; this will also help her to realise why you’re so different from the other guys.
Some simple ideas of how you could gamify your dates:
- Actually bring a board game to your date: Crack out the travel scrabble, or UNO.
- Play a simple game like "I spy" or "20 questions."
- Look around the room and try to guess how long each of the other couples has known one another for.
Whatever game you choose, it’s time to own being silly and bring her into your playful zone. Of course on your dates you also want to share authentically, ask the right questions, and communicate your interest; but being playful provides contrast and lightness to these other moments in the date.
Being playful is the ultimate way to communicate how fun it is to spend time with you, and to subcommunicate that you’re the abundant, confident guy she wants to spend her time with.
