I'm Hayley Quinn and as a relationship coach to men and women for 15 years I’ve provided advice to singles, couples and international media on the topic of better relationships.
I'm not going to spend ages telling you tricks to convince your girlfriend (or wife) to have a threesome. Or for two best friends to come to bed with you. Or how to make a woman complicit to doing something she doesn't want to do. You've heard it all before and it's uncool.
Instead, I want to tell you the single most important concept you have to work with if you and your girlfriend want to explore threesomes. Or more open relationships! (find more about understanding her here.)
A threesome isn’t about fulfilling a fantasy for you about what great sex should look like, but about sharing an intimate experience together that’s empowering and pleasurable to you both.
Ask yourself: Why do you want a threesome?
Before we look at how to communicate your desire to have a threesome with your girlfriend; first check in on your motivations for bringing this up in the first place.
- Have you always fantasized about threesomes, but are unsure whether your girlfriend finds them erotic?
- Are you particularly turned on by the idea of having sex with two women, or your girlfriend having sex with two men?
- Is your sexual connection as a couple waning, and you’re looking for a way to “spice things up”?
- Is there a temptation to cheat, and you’re hoping that by having a one-off experience with this other woman will put an end to your fantasies?
- Have you noticed one of your girlfriend's friends is single and seems flirtatious, now you can’t get the idea of a threesome with your girlfriend out of your mind?
- Deep down do you want to be single, but you also don’t want to lose your girlfriend, and you’re hoping this will help to solve your problem?
If you are the one who is keen for a threesome with your girlfriend and she hasn’t communicated that she is open to this: hold tight.
While you might have dedicated many thoughts to what it would be like to have a threesome with your girlfriend, there’s no guarantee she’s on the same page, or sees this conversation coming.
If having a threesome is a particular sexual fantasy you’d like to explore, I’ll next give you some tools to broach this conversation with your girlfriend in a way that’s sensitive.
If however, you’re hoping that having a threesome will provide a band aid to fix a failing relationship, or you’re tempted to cheat, this won’t be the right next step for you.
Your girlfriend is most likely to feel receptive to a threesome if you already have a strong, and secure relationship. On the other hand, if she feels pressure to have a threesome to “keep” you, or you’re using a threesome because you’re unsatisfied with the relationship as a whole, then having a threesome with your girlfriend is a “pour gasoline on the fire” next step. It isn’t a solution. It also won’t be sexy or fun, if the building blocks of your relationships aren’t right. Trust me, from personal experience, I can tell you that those moments of fun are not worth the anxiety, and upset that will almost inevitably follow.
What are some “good” reasons to have a threesome
If you’re confident your heart, head and relationship is in the right place here are some positive indications that a threesome with your girlfriend might work within the context of your relationship:
- You want both you and your partner to feel safe exploring your sexual fantasies together.
- You want a new degree of emotional intimacy with your partner, where no subject is taboo.
- You both decide that you’d like to reignite desire in your relationship.
- You want to strengthen your trust and sexual connection together.
- You both are looking for new experiences, and to create “woah we did that” memories together.
- You deeply trust your partner, and know your relationship is strong enough to explore a threesome.
- One or both partners would like to experiment with their sexuality, and the other partner is supportive of that.
- You both find the same threesome scenario erotic i.e. you desire a woman, woman, man threesome, and your girlfriend’s always been bicurious. Or you desire a man, man, woman threesome, and your girlfriend’s always found the thought of having sex with two men exciting.
What are some “risks” of having a threesome?
Whilst for some people who practice ENM (ethical non monogamy) giving your partner sexual freedom (which may be expressed in having other sexual partners outside of the relationship) indicates a high degree of trust in the relationship; for others choosing to have a threesome with your girlfriend could be motivated from a place of insecurity.
Having sex with a new partner also inevitably increases your exposure to STDs, so also make sure part of your discussion is around having safe sex with a new partner.
6 Reasons Not To Have a Threesome
- To keep your partner from straying
- To stop yourself from cheating
- To impress other people
- Because they’re attracted to someone else and you don’t want to not hold them back. (But inside the reaction you get to it is nausea, not arousal)
- To test the water as to whether you’d actually prefer the third party as a partner
- As a stepping stone out of the relationship to test out single life
Trying to manipulate your girlfriend into a threesome under any of those grounds is bad form. If you're that dissatisfied in your relationship: come clean, talk about it and consider breaking up.
How to ask your girlfriend to have a threesome
If you’re motivated to try out a threesome with your girlfriend, to explore a sexual fantasy you have, and are hoping she’s on the same page, here are some steps about how to broach this tricky conversation. Talking about desire can feel risky but handled correctly, it could be a key way you can build back in some of that emotional intimacy and physical attraction you may have been craving.
Also, there is a reasonable chance that your partner may feel the same. It is easy to think of men as sexually open and women as craving stability. Apart from the fact sexuality and stability are not oppositional forces, you do not know what she wants unless you check in with her. If you are on the same page, or not on different ends of the book, here are a few practical steps you can also use to work towards a threesome with your girlfriend.
- Create a safe and comfortable environment to have that conversation in. Late at night, after you’ve both been drinking alcohol, or in the midst of an argument about the state of your sex life would all be bad choices to kickstart this conversation! Instead test the water when your relationship feels calm and stable.
- Begin the conversation by acknowledging your intentions for having the conversation in the first place. You want to reassure your girlfriend that this conversation is about exploring sexual fantasies together, not you getting ready to end the relationship! A good way to phrase this could be:
“I’m really committed to you but I wanted to be open about a fantasy that I’ve always had…”
- Avoid phrasing your desire to have a threesome as something you need to do. This could be overt in you giving her an ultimatum to open up your relationship or you’re gone (ouch, just break up.) Or saying that it’s on your “bucket list”. Even said playfully positing having a threesome with your girlfriend as something you need to do, puts pressure on her, and if she feels pressure this will shut down her sexual desire.
- Don’t be too specific in your request. Jumping right in to discussing whether she thought your mutual female friend was a good “option” will feel too outcome orientated, and will create emotional pressure. Instead keep the tone of the conversation discursive, remember this only works if she’s open to exploring the idea too:
“I wondered if you’d ever thought about what that might feel like…?”
- Listen to her response! Whilst you may have a goal for this conversation to plan how to have a threesome with your girlfriend, you have to first see if she’s on the same page or not. Really listen to her feelings, concerns, or differing fantasies.
How to know if your girlfriend wants a threesome?
Here are some signs that your girlfriend is at least open to discussing the possibility of having a threesome:
- She doesn’t immediately shut down the conversation and appears willing to listen to you.
- She nods along, and her body language seems relaxed, not tense.
- She is able to joke with you, “well someone’s been doing a lot of thinking!” humor could be a sign that she hasn’t taken offense at what you’ve said.
- She participates by offering some suggestions on how you could begin to explore this together, perhaps by watching a sexy movie together, or reading blogs about how other couples have tried out threesomes.
- She is open minded to trying out going to an environment like a strip club where she can explore same sex attraction (that is if you’re looking for a woman, woman, man threesome configuration), whilst at the same time seeing how she feels about you showing sexual interest in other women.
Look out for these verbal and nonverbal cues that will help you to gauge her interest levels.
5 Practical steps for having a threesome with your girlfriend.
Before you and your partner take that step towards a threesome with another girl, make sure you and your partner set some ground rules together, and agree with a plan on how to go about having a threesome.
1. Set the boundaries of how far you go the first time
Your girlfriend may well want to test the water on a threesome before she moves onto full sexual contact. Sometimes you don’t know how you feel about something until you get there. Start small: Maybe by sharing a kiss or some other form of intimate contact with the same person. Then consider three-way dates. Even during a threesome with your girlfriend, for the first time she may set a boundary that whilst you can watch, and caress, that you can’t penetrate the other woman. This may even extend to the morning after, is your “guest star” staying the night? Are you having a threesome at your house or are you going to a neutral location like a hotel to experiment?
Explore new relationships before jumping into the desired high-octane finale. This allows everyone to get comfortable and establish some ground rules. As well as a check-in with themselves if this is something they want to take past flirtation. Develop your trust with one another, then you can change the perimeters of your boundaries over time.
2. Be 100% honest with her
Keep your integrity. Be honest with your partner, and with yourself about your intentions. Open relationships need to be built on solid trust. Don’t try to set up a threesome with your girlfriend, and the woman you feel tempted to see behind her back. Do not go on a mission to find a suitable woman on Tinder and then surprise your partner with this information. It means actually listening to her desires, which means including her in all aspects of threesome planning.
3. Let your girlfriend pick who to have a threesome with
Allowing them to choose the third party is your way of saying, 'I trust you to respect our relationship. I accept your sexuality, and you're in control.' To help build trust with your girlfriend allow her to take the lead on finding people who she is interested in. She may feel more comfortable to have a threesome with someone in your existing social circle, or instead someone who’s entirely unknown to you that you’ve met online. Apps like Feeld, alongside mainstream dating apps, cater to people who are curious about non-monogamous relationships. Likewise in cosmopolitan cities there may be groups that meet specifically to explore ENM. Whilst full blown “swinger” style events (where people swap sexual partners) would be right off the deep end, you may find a low pressure mingler event to attend where you can see how you connect with other attendees, whilst your clothes are still on!
4. Give her total ripcord power
Your partner needs to be able to call things off at any point. Especially if they are not 100% comfortable. Equally, it’s also important for you to have the ability to change your mind without the fear of emotional punishment or retribution. Choose a safety word that you can both use to call time on your threesome if at any stage either of you feels uncomfortable. You may not anticipate feeling jealous during a threesome, however you may be surprised what feelings show up for you in the moment. Having a safe word shows that you respect and want your relationship to work more than hooking up with a random third party. If you don't think that's fair: you need to reassess how you feel about your partner.
5. Expect the unexpected!
Just as the first time you hooked up with someone, having a threesome for the first time with someone new may not be the best sex of your life, despite it being a common sexual fantasy. Nerves, performance concerns, the fact you are bringing in a third body can all get in the way of you having an amazing time. Ultimately how a threesome “works” between you will also depend on the comfort and connection between all three parties.
Explore threesomes as a team with your girlfriend
I've written this blog, because my goal is when you come to the point of having a threesome with your girlfriend, that you both have the best experience possible. Approach having a threesome with your girlfriend as a team player: Where you’re aiming to expand your sexual comfort zone in a way that benefits both of you, and your relationship to one another.
If you are reading this blog as a single guy and would like to learn more about how to relate to women? Then I’d recommend a play of my titled but informative `Inside Her Mind’ course which you can find in my Wingman Club.
