Steal these 4 alpha-male traits that make women naturally more attracted to you
If you want to be more successful with women, then chances are you’ve stumbled across dating advice talking to you about how to develop more "alpha male" traits.
The Harvard Business Review describes "alpha males" as: Bold, self-confident, and demanding, alpha males get things done.
Look, I’m a dating coach (and definitely not an evolutionary biologist) but this alpha male thing has always got a "hmmmm" out of me.
- Human beings aren’t wolves or gorillas, so do we really operate under that kind of hierarchy?
- And even if we do, what then happens to all the other males who aren’t alphas? Clearly A LOT of men date successfully and they surely can’t all be at a social apex?
- And didn’t I watch that David Attenborough show where male birds found crafty ways to mate behind the alpha male’s back?!
We probably need that biologist to clear all this up, but to me it feels too simplistic to tell you as a man to JUST BE MORE ALPHA.
However, I do have time for the idea that adopting more "gendered" behaviour can make us more appealing to the opposite sex (if that’s who you want to attract.) I’d observe that men who take the following actions tend to have more successful dating lives:
- The ability to initiate, and make a first move.
- The ability to show some leadership during date planning.
- Great body language, both in person and in their dating app profile pictures.
- Having some boundaries and not endlessly chasing up on women who aren’t interested.
- Having the communication skills to both be accountable (that’s owning up when something doesn’t go to plan)
- And also to be purposeful (that’s getting to the point) about communicating their intentions.
Some would call this "being alpha", some "being masculine", some"being self confident," but regardless of how you want to label it, there’s traits here that anyone can learn to adopt to come across sexier.
That’s what I love about teaching you how to interact more successfully with women, it’s about developing a broader range of social tools so you can pull the right one out of the box when you need it. This doesn’t mean you need to tear off your shirt, grunt and beat your chest as a full time "alpha male" but it does mean you know how and when to utilise the natural skills of leadership to further your dating interactions.
So let’s do a quick skills boost on 4 alpha male traits that you can steal, and make your own.
Skill 1: Have some Boundaries.
Boundaries are the rules of engagement we communicate for how we’d like people to relate to us.
Exerting your boundaries certainly doesn’t have to be forceful, it could be playful, or simply clearly telling someone what works/ doesn’t work for you. Boundaries also inherently make you more attractive as they show that you don’t fear "losing" someone, and are more focused on preserving your self esteem than "keeping" every dating option you have open.
If this isn’t something that comes naturally to you, and you find yourself crushing your self esteem by constantly chasing after women, then start by using this standards worksheet to start defining how you’d like people to engage with you.
Then you need to work on communicating your boundaries. Take the example of a you asking a woman out, and her saying that she "might" be free but will have to let you know on the day. This may work for you, but if it doesn’t, and you don’t want to keep your weekend open for her if she’s not sure if she wants to meet then you need to say something! Or stop asking her out and see if she comes back to you.
"Ah I can’t do a last minute thing - let’s try to meet another time when you’re sure you’re free."
Please note this message isn’t mean, or aggressive, but it does indicate where your boundary lies.
Skill 2: Have a plan.
"How can I take some leadership here?"
This is a great question to ask yourself in the run up to a date. Yes some women are very happy planning the date themselves, however most women will prefer you to have a game plan for your date.
A well planned date shows confidence, and that you’re invested in it. Not to mention a "let’s just see what we feel like," doesn’t really make anyone feel excited to meet, and certainly doesn’t set you up for success. In fact you may well find yourself cursing the fact that you’d like to kiss her, but you’ve wound up saying goodbye at an utterly unromantic train station.
Some simple ways you can take leadership on a date:
- Choose where you’re going to meet.
- Make a reservation if appropriate.
- If you haven’t been to that place before, do your research to understand what the seating is like, and what you might be able to order.
- Have a back up venue in mind in case your first one doesn’t work out.
- Be comfortable to end the date first, and don’t just let it roll on, and on, when there’s no connection or she’s stayed out longer than she’s really comfortable with.
Skill 3: Half as long, twice as strong.
Admittedly I stole this one from my literary agent: But it’s great advice for your communication with women.
Ask yourself:
- Am I sending her this because it’s purposeful or because I want more communication from her? I want to know if she likes me?
- Does what she’s sent require a response?
- Do I need to check in with her now?
- Am I over-explaining myself?
- Do I really need to open up 3 different topics of conversation, or should I stay focused on leading this messaging conversation towards a date?
Sometimes when we write superfluous information, it’s less about expressing ourselves clearly and more about managing a deep seated fear that we’re not enough.
If you’re aware on your messages that you’re worried you’re losing her interest, or want to show her how smart, funny or indeed ALPHA you are, step away from this style of communication.
Allow the depth of your relationship to grow gradually, and don’t force a connection.
Skill 4: Be accountable.
Life, especially dating, doesn’t always go to plan. Sometimes you will say something awkward, or react in a strange way, or plan a bad date, or make your move at a bad time. Such is life.
What will help you out in any of these scenarios is to become a more authentic, candid and accountable communicator.
No one expects perfection (and if they do - RED FLAG!) but being open about WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING helps you to be seen as trustworthy, confident and accountable.
For example if you ask to kiss her, and it’s not the right moment for her, you could say, "I get that, I wasn’t sure it was the right moment either, I just wanted to show you that I liked you."
Or if you say something that doesn’t come across well OWN UP TO IT, "look that wasn’t the right way to express how I felt..."
Alpha male or not we can all benefit from being more authentic, and candid, in our interactions.
What are the next steps?
If you’d like to develop your ability to attract women in a way that’s also congruent to you, check out my Attraction Point coaching programme.
