Even if you like her, there’s no point in pursuing her if she’s showing signs she’s just not that into you.
As a dating coach to men and women, with 15+ years experience, I understand both sides of the same coin.
In this blog, I’ll share:
- My top 12 signs she’s just not that into you (number 1 is particularly sucky!)
- What’s your action plan, if you still want to win her over?
- The reason why she hints that she’s not into you, rather than directly telling you, this will help you to stop wasting your time!
1. She Talks To You About Other Guys
You’ve been trying to show her that you like her, you’ve gradually been spending more time together doing nice things and now she’s talking to you about a guy who just ghosted her?
Unfortunately if a woman is treating you like her personal counsellor and is asking your opinion on what other guys think and feel; it’s highly unlikely she sees you as a romantic prospect. Instead she thinks you’re good friends, and as you’re a guy, maybe you’ll have some “male perspective” insights into the men she’s attracted to. Ouch, this is a painful sign that she’s just not into you.
She says, “Thanks for making me feel so special, I wish more men were like you, then I wouldn’t be single.”
Your mistake: Never, EVER wait and hope that a woman will “choose” you based on your good deeds. Unless you market yourself as a date to her, then you won’t communicate with her in a way that makes it easy for her to see your romantic potential and you’ll wind up in the friendzone.
2. She Always Wants To Do A “Group Thing”
You suggest meeting up, it’s looking good for you getting some 1-1 time and then at the last minute invites her friends?! What’s going on?
If a woman is allergic to spending 1-1 time with you, this is a subtle way that she’s putting a damper on your intimacy levels. She’s not allowing you the opportunity to make a move. She’s also showing you that whilst she somewhat likes you, she doesn’t like you enough to give you her premium 1-1 availability. Instead she’ll push you towards group social opportunities where you may bump into each other.
She says, “That sounds fun. I’ll catch up with you in class, and maybe we can invite a few other people?”
Your mistake: Have some boundaries here. If she says, “shall I invite some other people,” you can always say, “actually I’m a 1-1 guy - so let’s stick to just us this time :)” At this stage she may flat out cancel, but knowing where you stand is no bad thing!
3. She Cancels On You At The Last Minute
Sometimes people have a genuine emergency which means they can’t meet (they run a flat tire, childcare falls through, or they catch COVID). However, if it’s a genuine reason she’ll be quick to offer you some alternatives. If she’s flaking on you because truly, she can’t be bothered to meet you, that’s a whole other story.
This hurts, as often you may be really looking forward to your “chance” to have a date with her. However, if she gives you this sign that she’s just not that into you, she also doesn’t truly respect you. Without her respect, and without her giving you any real opportunity to connect with her, this relationship is going nowhere.
She says (a few hours before the date), “I’m so sorry I’ve overbooked myself and my social batteries feel run down. Can we raincheck?”
Your mistake: Don’t think this problem can be solved just by making it easier for her to meet you. As a guy, you may seek a practical solution, whether that’s asking her to let you know when she’s next free, or to book her a massage to help her unwind (really). However, what you’ve got to understand is this isn’t really about her being busy, (everyone is) it’s about her not desiring you enough to make time for you.
4. She doesn’t check in with you
Is your “relationship” with her starting to feel one-sided? Are you always the one initiating conversations with her? Do you remember “the small things” but she never bothers to ask you questions about your life? Did you go all out for her birthday, but she totally forgot yours?
If a woman likes you she’ll often reach out and ask you questions. The only slight caveat to this is occasionally if a woman really likes you, at least for the first few dates, she’ll be coy to create some chase. How you spot the difference is, when you reach out she always agrees to your dates.
She says: “It was great, thanks for asking!”
Your mistake: Start expecting more from your relationships. Even if you’re only chatting online, exit early on conversations where women aren’t asking you questions, and are just not that into you. This doesn’t lose you options (remember she’s just not that into you, and this is highly unlikely to come right) but it does save you time.
5. She relegates you to coffee catch ups
Has your relationship with her plateaued? This is a big sign, she’s just not into you. If you have a semi-regular catch up with her, and it’s always for a quick coffee then she’s not that into you. Coffee dates are fine for a first date (particularly if you met on a dating app, and have no idea if you have any chemistry). However, they are not fine if you’re stuck on an eternal cycle of meeting for iced lattes, rather than more romantic dates which create the opportunity for physical contact.
Coffee dates are fine for friends; but they’re really tricky for you to turn up the sexual tension. (Seriously, think when was the last time you made out with someone in a coffee shop - exactly!)
She says: “This week’s a bit crazy, but maybe we could grab a quick coffee on Wednesday morning.”
Your mistake: The next time she suggests a rushed coffee, try pushing back, “Let’s not rush it. When are you free next week for dinner instead?” Yes she can brush you off entirely at this stage, but again take the “no” and move on!
6. She shoe horns you into her diary
Is your time with her sandwiched between a gym class, and a dental appointment?! If you’re constantly being squeezed into her diary (and you’re constantly rearranging your schedule so you can meet) - this is a sign she’s just not into you.
Sometimes women who are romantically interested in you, will initially give you a small time commitment for a date. However, once you’re on your date you may find that magically she has more time, and you end up spending 6 hours together. Again, you’ll notice she’ll up her investment in you, the more she’s certain she’s attracted to you.
She says, “Oh my gosh, is that the time? I’ve got to run!”
Your mistake: Not shooting for a step up! If she’s already ending the date, don’t fight for her to stay there. However, next time she talks about “I could have 45 minutes…” don’t go there. Go on high quality dates with her only.
7. She offers to split the bill
When a woman offers, or insists, on splitting the bill on your dates it often isn’t a good sign. By splitting the bill, she’s stepping away from sexual polarity (you and her in different roles, with a sexual charge between them) and towards neutrality.
The caveat to this is for younger generations like Gen Z, splitting the bill will be more common. However, a lot of the time as the guy it’s wise to go on budget-friendly dates where you can afford to insist on picking up the bill.
She says - “No, let me get this one! I insist!”
Your mistake - If you like her, feel the date has gone well and would like another date with her, insist. Simple saying, “No I invited you, put your Apple Pay away!” is a great way to affirm that this is a romantic date. Of course as your relationship develops, splitting costs will become more equal; but it’s worth shouting the first few dates at least to signal romantic intentions. Bill splitting is often a sign she’s just not into you.
8. She’s never available
If she’s always busy completing a project, or gives you vague promises that “things will calm down soon!!” Then you’re not a priority to her. By keeping responding, but never actually setting a time to meet; she’s saying, “I like you enough that I don’t want to totally lose you as an option; but I’m not excited to meet you.”
This may not even be that personal. Women too have to choose to prioritise their dating life. If her dating life is constantly on the back burner, then she’s not showing up as someone who’s in the right frame of mind to have a relationship.
She says - “Things are just crazy at the moment! But hopefully in the New Year…”
Your mistake - Waiting and hoping. Then waiting and hoping some more! It’s hard when you like someone but the “dating maths” is pretty simple: If she likes you, she’ll make time for you and invest in the relationship. If she’s just not that into you, she won’t.
9. She says you’re “cute”
There’s an outside chance here that when a woman calls you “cute” that she’s flirting with you, and doing a great job of keeping you on your toes. However, 9 times out of 10, if a woman refers to you as “sweet” this is pretty much as far away from “sexy” as she can get.
Notice the language she uses to refer to you. Also reflect on the tone of her messages to you - is it full of hug emojis?! Does she give you a wall of love hearts but you’ve not kissed yet. This level of warmth, without a sexual relationship, suggests she loves you…. As a dear friend :(
She says - “Aww thank you! You’re such a sweetie!”
Your mistake - If a woman calls you cute on a date don’t be offended but do throw out a playful response, “I’m basically your human labrador, would you like to pet my hair?!” Being absurd rejects the “cute” label but in a way that doesn’t come across as emotionally wounded.
10. She gives you monosyllabic answers
Let’s get this straight now. If a woman is chatting to you on a dating app and managing to answer your questions with 1-3 word answers; she’s either not just not that into you, or not interested in dating altogether.
It’s impossible to be witty into a vacuum, so if she’s not giving you much in the way of a response; cut your losses and leave it there!
She says - “Lol! No!!”
Your mistake - Seeing her limited responses as an obstacle for you to overcome. Yes, sometimes a witty reply on a dating app can transform her interest levels in you; but if she’s giving you nothing to work with, often the most attractive thing you can do is quit replying.
11. She doesn’t make future plans
If your attempts to make plans with her are usually met with an, “hmm I’m not sure, let’s check in closer to the time.” Or if you try to connect with her friends, and she backtracks on meeting them, then you are officially sidelined in her life. She may also be cryptic as to what her other plans are. Her mindset here is (understandably) that she doesn’t owe you an explanation, as you’re not her boyfriend.
Women who are into you will be really excited (if not actively egging you on) to make future plans. They’ll also normally be in a hurry to introduce you to their friends, and to meet yours. This goes back to progression. Whilst it would be odd to be her plus one to a wedding for a second date, it would be equally as odd if she didn’t invite you after 6 months of dating. If you’re not getting introduced to her friends, this is a big sign she just not that into you.
She says - “I can’t this weekend, I’ve got plans.”
Your mistake - When you really like someone, it can be tempting to clutch straws for the hope that she likes you, “...but this month we met twice, normally we only meet once!” Instead focus on how much prioritisation you’d expect someone to give you, and how much time you’d like to spend with a woman at this stage of getting to know her. If your needs are really mismatched, and the relationship isn’t progressing, move on.
12. She’s told you she just sees you as a friend
This is one of those times where it’s wise to take her at her word. If a woman outright tells you that you’re “too good for her”, or “you’re such a good friend,” don’t imagine that she means anything other than the truth when she tells you this.
Women are often quite indirect communicators, so if she’s gone out of her way to clearly state that she just sees you as a friend, she may sense that you like her, and be at pains not to lead you on.
She says - “I really like our friendship.”
Your mistake - She may message you all day. She may have drunkenly kissed you one time. That doesn’t mean anything has changed. If she’s telling you she sees you as a friend, accept this information, and move on!! She’s really, really, not that into you.
She’s just not that into you: What’s your game plan?
1. Don’t expect anything to change
The worst plan of all is the, “I’ll just see how things go,” plan. This is especially true if you’ve already been seeing how things go for some time, and nothing’s changed. When you wait for a woman to make it clear to you that she likes you, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Women often develop attraction as a reaction to your behaviour. So if you’re constantly playing things ‘safe’ because you don’t want to ‘mess things up with her’ you’re going to be stuck in this cycle for a long time.
2. Consider what you really want
Not all relationships with women have to be sexual. Having female friends is great, and this will add a lot to your life. However, if you build a friendship with her, make sure this is authentically what you want. If you are using the friendship to get closer to her, in the hope it will develop into a romance this is unlikely to happen (see point 1!). If you want to have a romantic, and sexual, relationship with a woman then spending a lot of time and energy pining after a female friend will also take you further away from your goals.
3. Communicate directly with her
If you’ve weighed it up and you decide you really want a romantic relationship with her, it’s best to be upfront. Women will find direct, authentic communication more attractive. If you’re clear with her there’s only 3 ways she can respond: To tell you definitively she’s not into you (at least now you know), say she is into you (yippee!) or be unclear, which I’d advise you to interpret as another sign “she’s just not that into you.”
The only important caveat to this, is it will only make sense to tell women who you’re seeing regularly 1-1. If she isn’t prepared to meet you 1-1 you’ve already got your answer: It’s time to move on.
4. Be prepared to move on
If she’s unsure, or doesn’t feel the same way, it’s time to take that information on board and move on. Yes, in the short term this can be painful. It’s much more comfortable to never know, and just plod on. However, feedback is great. Feedback that she’s just not that into you, could set you free to finally let this one go and meet other women. Remember just because she’s just not that into you, doesn’t mean that every woman will feel the same way!!
Why doesn’t she just tell you she’s not that into you?!
Whilst occasionally women will explicitly tell you that she’s just not that into you. Most of the time women prefer to hint instead, and there’s some good reasons why!
What if you’re not that into her?!
What if she tells you she’s just not that into you, and you’re actually just not that into her!! Awkward!! If you haven’t made your intentions explicitly clear to her then it’s also hard for her to give you an authentic and clear response. It could look conceited if she assumes you’re into her, so if you’ve only hinted at your attraction to her, expect only hints she’s not into you in return!
What if you react badly?
Whilst the vast majority of men are great; most women will have had at least a few bad experiences dealing with unwanted attention. So, if she outright shuts you down then perhaps you’ll get angry, perhaps you’ll send her unwanted messages, perhaps you’ll stalk her. This might sound wild, but the stats say otherwise: 97% of women aged 18-24 in the UK have been sexually harassed.
What if she changes her mind?
Yikes! Even if she’s not that into you now, maybe she will be one day?! If a woman recognises your good qualities, but isn’t ready to have a relationship with you (what if her toxic, but seriously hot ex comes back on the scene?) you may be put on the back burner. This isn’t just something women do; lots of men and women will do a form of rotational dating, where there’s multiple people they’re getting to know at any given time.
What if she loses the friendship?
One of the biggest reasons you might hold back from being upfront with a woman about how you feel; is the same reason she doesn’t want to be upfront with you about what she doesn’t feel: Both of you don’t want to lose the friendship.
What if she hurts your feelings?
Women have often been told to “be nice”, some studies have even suggested that women are biologically hardwired to be more empathetic. If she’s preoccupied with being nice, even if she’s not that into you, she may find it hard to tell it to you straight, as she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Instead she keeps dropping hints, or being unavailable, in the hope you’ll lose interest.
