Right now you probably go to one place regularly where you see tons of women you’d love to speak to: It’s not a bar, it’s your local gym!
However there’s 1 big obstacle holding you back from saying hello to her; she’s there to work out, not get asked out, right? So how can you approach a woman at the gym without being creepy?
I’ve coached men and women to meet one another in real life for over 15 years, and (bonus!) I also had the experience of meeting my husband at the gym. In this blog I’ll be sharing with you:
- 7 principles for approaching a woman at the gym in a non-creepy way.
- 6 ways to start a conversation with a girl at the gym
- What is the best way to ask out a girl at the gym?
- What are 3 common pitfalls to avoid, and signals you should back off?
Why is approaching a woman at the gym a unique environment?
I love to coach men to meet the women of their dreams in their everyday life. The gym is a great place to meet women that’s alcohol free, part of your daily (okay 3 x weekly) routine, and you’ll see plenty of attractive women.
BUT approaching a woman at the gym also presents some unique challenges:
- The gym is NOT a place she expects you to approach her. In a busy bar a woman may somewhat expect for a guy to come and talk to her. As she doesn’t expect to be approached by you, then she may be surprised when you speak to her. (Read on for how you can help her to feel comfortable with my socially smooth ways to start a conversation.)
- The gym isn’t a place where you go to flirt or meet women. The gym isn’t considered a “normal” place to meet someone. Some women will also absolutely not want a guy hitting on them when they’re trying to work out. This is why it would be a bad idea to go to the gym to meet women (instead of working out) however I want to teach you socially smooth ways of starting conversations with women who you naturally cross paths with.
- Women may feel self conscious at the gym. Gym gear is often skimpy, workouts are sweaty, and in the gym there’s a greater chance a woman may feel objectified if you talk to her. That’s why it’s super important to not comment on her physique at the gym, and use a natural conversation starter instead.
That being said, whilst approaching a woman at a gym may not be expected, some women clearly would love to meet their future partner, not on an app but in real life. As a woman who met her husband at the gym, I can also vouch for the fact that some women may have a preference to meet their dream guy in their everyday life, without the need for dating apps or alcohol.
7 Key principles for approaching her in a non-creepy way
1. Don’t interrupt her workout
Interrupting a woman who is halfway through a workout is a definite no-no for how to approach a woman at the gym. First of all she’s at the gym to workout, so leave her in her zone. Secondly, making such a big effort to speak to her will come across as overly intentional: Like you’re at the gym to eye-up women. Instead you always want to present yourself as a guy who ‘just happened’ to cross paths with her.
2. Don’t comment on her body
At the gym a woman will feel more self conscious about her body. Gym gear is often tight, and many people feel self conscious when they’re squatting and sweating! If you approach a woman at the gym, and comment on her body, this is a sure fire way to make her feel uncomfortable. Instead see meeting women in your everyday life as a good opportunity to show what a socially intelligent, considerate guy you are.
3. Don’t stare
People build a connection through eye contact. However, research shows that if you look at someone for more than 3.3 seconds that they’ll start to feel uncomfortable. No woman wants a guy eyeballing her at the gym. Instead, swap a quick glance (2-3 seconds) to show that you’re trustworthy, and check out if she’s happy to meet your gaze. Under no circumstances look at any other area of a woman’s body than her eyes!
4. Don’t correct her technique
From my experience working out, one thing that really used to bug me was when a guy approached me at the gym and started offering me advice on how to improve my technique. At this stage I’d be so annoyed, that I’d normally curtly tell him I was a qualified PT; and I didn’t at the time recognise that he was (probably) looking for a way to chat me up. Bottom line: Overly macho “let me show you how it’s done, little lady” will bomb as a way to approach a girl at the gym.
Top tip: However, if a woman approaches you and asks for advice or help then this is a fantastic sign that she’d like to talk to you!
5. Don’t lift heavy
One of my coaching team Chris said that he noticed men who wanted to approach women at the gym often started to try and lift heavier. Don’t over exert yourself to impress her! Apart from the fact you could get an injury, women are totally not attracted by how much weight you can lift! Women are much more attracted to socially intelligent men, than your raw lifting power!
6. Don’t go for a flex-athon
Likewise, just because you’ve noticed her for her physique, doesn’t mean that she’ll be into you purely because of yours! Flexing your guns in front of a mirror will come across as vain and won’t grab her attention in the way that you want. Besides, women won’t think, “wow he’s so hot, how do i talk to a guy at a gym?” No matter how fit you are (unless the woman has attended one of my women’s bootcamps!) you’re going to need to start the conversation.
7. Don’t invade her space or loiter
It feels uncomfortable to stand too close to people who you don’t know (just think of being on the subway at rush hour - yuk!) It’s been suggested in research by Cornell that sitting next to strangers actually causes us stress. So if you approach a woman at the gym make sure you keep >1 meter away from her when you initially say hello. Likewise don’t obviously loiter around to speak to her, again this will look too intentional, and therefore creepy. To approach a woman at the gym and not be creepy, your “hello” has to feel like a coincidence.
- Don’t cross a gym floor to speak to a woman for no “reason.”
- Don’t invade her space by sitting or standing unnaturally close to her.
- Don’t loiter around waiting for her.
- Don’t follow her around the gym.
- Don’t stare at her.
- Do catch up with her at the gym juice bar.
- Do chat to women who you happen to enter/ exit the gym at the same time at.
- Do strike up a conversation by the water cooler.
- Do talk to women who you’re doing a class with.
- Do give a woman 3 seconds of eye contact (and a smile!) before you say hi to see if she reciprocates.
- Do time your approach in a way that you naturally talk to women who are around you, but avoid making a big effort to talk to one particular woman.
6 ways to start a conversation with a girl at the gym
So now we’ve extensively covered how not to approach a woman at the gym, what are 7 great ways you can start a conversation with her? Each of these conversation starters is designed to be socially smooth, relaxed and natural.
Top tip: Before you approach a woman at the gym, it’s always better if you’ve already swapped eye contact and shared a smile. This is a great indicator that she’s happy to talk to you.
1. Playfully say she could teach you a thing or two
As women can feel more self conscious in the gym, the gym is a great place to be the opposite of macho and use a little self deprecating humor:
“Wow you nailed that routine, you’re making me look bad!”
If you deliver this playfully, rather than seeming insecure, you’ll seem fun, warm and non-egotistical: The perfect gym guy!
2. Big her up
Compliments are a great way to start a conversation with her. However, as you’re approaching a woman at the gym you want to avoid physical compliments. (No woman wants to feel she was being ogled during her workout.) Instead comment on her energy, not her body:
“That routine looked brutal. I don’t think I could have handled it. You’re not superwoman are you?”
You want to make her smile, not feel self conscious.
3. Comment on your class instructor or PT
Attending a class at the gym is a great way to meet more women in your everyday life. Simply swapping out one session in the weights area (though women like these too!) for a woman-orientated gym class (yoga, pilates, body pump) can mean you naturally cross paths with way more women. Commenting on how your gym class was is also an easy conversation starter:
“I don’t know about you but I think this instructor is the best. They’re intense but you get such a good workout.”
Talking about an experience you’re both sharing is a brilliant low key conversation starter that will help her to feel comfortable talking to you.
4. Ask her a question
If you’ve ever tried asking a woman for directions in the hope that she’ll fall in love with you, you’ll know that questions aren’t normally brilliant conversation starters. However, they can help you to approach a woman at the gym in a way that’s casual and doesn’t put too much focus on her:
“That’s a great routine, did you make it up yourself?”
Whilst in other social environments it’s often good to begin a conversation based around the fact you’re attracted to her (“I saw you and I just wanted to say hi…”) In the gym you want to carefully test the waters before mentioning you’re attracted to her.
5. Make a statement about yourself
On the flip side, instead of asking a question, you can also simply choose to share some information about yourself. Questions require a response, when you share a statement about who you are, it invites her to respond, but doesn’t force it. This makes statements great low pressure conversations starters for approaching a woman at the gym:
“I love the music, perfect for leg day.”
To pull this off you’re going to need her to already be aware that you want to speak to her, and paying attention to you. Warm up this approach with eye contact, a smile, and a gesture for her to take her ear pods out before you start talking to her.
6. Strike up a conversation in the juice bar
The gym floor is probably the hardest place in the gym to get a conversation started. Part of successfully approaching more women at the gym, will be choosing your moment just right. If your gym has a juice bar, or shop, attached to it, this will be a much easier place to strike up a conversation:
“I always go for the acai bowl, but your sunshine juice order has got me thinking…”
Set yourself up for success by always allowing yourself extra time at the gym. If you’re in a rush you’ll probably psych yourself out of talking to her, if you have built in 20 minutes of flexibility into your routine you’ll have time to kill in chatting her up.
What is the best way to ask out a girl at the gym?
Now you’ve approached a girl at the gym, what’s your next steps? How do you ask out a girl at the gym? First of all, remember that you don’t need to go from saying hello to her, to getting her phone number, all in one interaction. If she goes to your gym there’s a good likelihood you’ll see her again. If you’re on a night out at a bar, you’ve got to take your shot, in case you never see her again. If you’re at the gym you can relax! (At least for a while.) Pushing too hard at the start might feel like a lot of pressure.
Instead how you progress from approaching a girl at the gym, to asking her out, may go a little like this?
Step 1:
Break the ice, “you’re crushing that work out, now I’m feeling lazy!”
Have 1-2 minutes of chitchat, “I do love this class though.
Introduce yourself, “I’m Dan by the way…”
Then end the conversation, “anyway have a great workout!”
Step 2:
You see her again! Make eye contact and smile. Does she reciprocate? Yes!
Great, go talk to her again, “I don’t know about you but I really need this class today.”
This time you may share a little more about yourself, “I don’t know about you but I moved over here last Spring and signed up as I’m a bit of a fitness freak.”
Then ask her a couple of questions, “so do you just gym, or are you into yoga, trail running…etc?”
Step 3:
There she is again! Does her body language still look relaxed, open and friendly? Yes!
Initiate a few minutes of chat, “how was your trial yoga session last week? It’s admirable that you squeeze it all in. I know with work it gets hectic…”
Then (off the cuff delivery please) say something like, “it would be good to talk to you more when we’re not working out let me get your number?”
If she’s in her 20s, or you don’t feel like quite confident enough to ask for her number, then you can also suggest swapping social media (just make sure your social media account is looking good!)
Step 4:
Later that day or the next you can follow up with her using a simple message, “Hey - it’s Dave *wave*”
If she’s at all interested she will reply back and say “hi.”
Avoid asking her when she’s next going to be at the gym (creepy), and avoid jumping straight to asking her out. Again this will feel like too much pressure.
Get a few messages flowing back and forth first, then make your move, “Let’s grab a smoothie somewhere other than the gym sometime?”
3 Common pitfalls of approaching a woman at the gym
1. Move too fast and it will feel awkward
There’s a big difference between meeting women at the gym, compared to meeting a woman on a dating app, or even in a bar. When you meet a woman on a dating app, you can’t afford to miss a beat otherwise she’ll lose interest/ delete her profile/ delete her dating apps etc. So you need to move quickly!
Meeting a woman at the gym is the exact opposite. Move too quickly and she’ll feel like you’re at the gym to hit on girls (not a flattering conclusion for her to come to about you.) So you have to pace your relationship with her just right.
Also don’t go to the gym just to meet women, that’s kind of weird. If you seem in a hurry to talk to her, get her number, or ask her out too presumptuously, this may send totally the wrong message about yourself. Equally don’t wait for her to make a move on you. Instead allow this to be slightly slow burn and move from first meeting, to asking her out, over a period of a few days or weeks (depending on how often you’re getting your gym sessions in!!)
2. Don’t show too much interest in her outside of the gym
If you approach a cute woman at the gym it can be tempting to chicken out of asking for her number, and instead look her up online. Unfortunately to a woman when you dodge being clear about your intentions when you speak to her in real life, and instead start following her online; this can come across as anything from unattractive to creepy. So don’t follow her out of the blue online unless you’ve mentioned doing that in person.
Likewise even if you’ve sneaked a peak at her social media don’t mention this! (And for your own sanity stop googling her.) I remember once a guy told me he liked the outfit I was wearing yesterday that he’d seen on social media and I felt a whole new level of cringe.
Remember, no woman wants to feel like they’ve got a creepy guy tracking their every movement. Every woman wants a man to develop interest in her gradually as he gets to know her.
3. Bad signal from her? Pull that ripcord
Some women will love the idea of meeting a man in their everyday life. Others will not be open to talking to a man at the gym. Or they won’t be attracted to you. Or they’ll already have a partner and not want to muddy the waters.
As a gym is a gym, it’s important that she feels safe to go there to workout. So for whatever her reasons, if you receive any negative signals immediately pull the ripcord.
Negative signals from her could include:
- Breaking eye contact with you and looking away.
- Getting her phone out when she sees you.
- Putting in her ear pods.
- Walking in the other direction.
- Ending her workout quickly.
- Leaving class quickly.
- Sitting as far away from you as possible.
- Mentioning she has a boyfriend.
- Giving you short answers.
- Not offering any other information about herself.
- Not swapping names with you.
- Not following you back on social media.
- Not replying to your message.
In summary:
Absolutely DO NOT go get a gym membership for the sole purpose of meeting women.
Absolutely DO mix up your workouts to meet new people, and if you cross paths with a woman you like, and smiles are swapped - go talk to her! I’ve also included a bonus 6 hacks for meeting women in the gym here.
What could be better than going about your everyday life, and meeting amazing women who want to date you?
Meeting women in your everyday life is often vastly more rewarding and successful than just hitting the dating apps hard; so I hope this blog gives you some inspiration to get out there and (subtly) make your move.
