Not should. Not ‘give them a try’. Have. To. Date. The Nice Guy. It isn’t because they’re relationship orientated, or ‘deserve’ to be given a chance; it is because it makes us as women look stupid (and actually quite anti-feminist) to not value what the Nice Guy brings to the table.
I define Nice Guys as guys who:
- Turn the FUCK up when they say they’re going to be there.
- Offer to help you out without you resorting to pleading.
- Create dates that they think you’ll like.
- Are clear about what kind of relationship they’re into: no ‘hmmm I’m really just into exploring myself right now…’ self indulgent BS.
- And yes don’t immediately try to launch into ‘dark twisted sexual fantasy’ (because they respect you and are working out your boundaries like a sane person would…)
Nice Guys get a bad reputation as boring based on some of their ‘good’ qualities. I know you know this already, as I’m sure you have tried to date the Nice Guy in the past. I bet you’ve turned up for the date, done your best to get into the zone of finding him hot, then at some stage bailed out with a ‘I’m just not feeling the spark message.’ Maybe he didn’t challenge you enough, maybe he held off of the all important kiss, either way his lack of killer instinct has acted as a turn off.
You know he would always try to communicate with you, respect your wishes and support you but unfortunately that’s not really doing it for you.
So you like the ‘sexy’ guy instead. Trust me, I feel you girl, I think I’ve dated them all: dominant CEO types, irresponsible artists, six packed footballers and everything in-between. The problem is that if I look at it the qualities that these guys bought to the table did NOT align with my life goals.
Yes my life goals include (hopefully) being a good mum, a healthy bodied septuagenarian, and a competent Latin Dancer. However, they also noticeably include being a best selling author / boss babe/ dating revolutionary. To accomplish career goals you need a man who is supportive of them, who doesn’t mess with your schedule, and who treats you with respect.
It took me some time to work out that the qualities I thought made for the sexy ‘boss’ guy or ‘hot’ artist I wanted were deeply incompatible with me:
- Guys who were too flakey and disrespected my time (hello – whilst you were dicking around about whether to see me I could have written a great blog!)
- Guys who were critical that I wasn’t spontaneous when I wouldn’t cancel work to be with them
- And (worst of all) hypocritical high-powered guys looking for a Stepford Wife not an equal. The kind where he is decisive and you’re domineering etc.
I am the first woman to get annoyed if people brand women who have career goals as ‘bossy’, ‘domineering’ or generally unfeminine. In fact it makes me really angry.
But why I’m telling you that you have to date the Nice Guy is because if we want men who are more supportive and collaborative when it comes to our non-dating life goals we need to start praising the qualities these guys bring to the table.
Sure you may think a challenging guy is hot but how helpful is that when you’re upset that you had a fight and can’t concentrate on that deadline? Likewise you may like how he keeps you guessing and love going on whirlwind adventures with him, until you give him all your time & energy and have nothing left to crack on with your work.
Yes guys that are assertive, go getting, ‘I want you now’, and give mixed signals can be sexy. They can in many ways fit the bill of what we expect a real ‘man’ to be like. But as he calls the shots, you may find that unless you’re okay to go along with all of them that you get left behind.
If you see yourself in an equal partnership with a man who is going to pitch in to help you out when you need it too I am going to advocate that you should date the nice guy,
If you keep seeing his tendency to offer help, to work around you and to be emotionally available to you as ‘weak’ or ‘boring’ we are playing into the same old game, which says women can’t be assertive and men can’t be emotional. I believe great equal partnerships are about seeing how we can work together and respecting each others qualities as individuals. If we keep slamming the nice guy for showing up as emotional or helpful, the other side of the coin is sending a thumbs down to women being logical or ambitious.
So if you want to get on with your LIFE and have a great guy; if you believe that love isn’t all about him it’s about you both as a TEAM re-evaluate how you feel about a dating the Nice Guy.
I am a big believer that there’s no one way to date and in fact its about recognizing what’s important to us as individuals. So if you work out that you’re not in the supporting cast of someone’s life and instead want your own platform think carefully about who is going to add value to you.
Sharing the stage with an equally ambitious man isn’t impossible but it requires humility, teamwork and respect. Also realize that whilst a guy that’s crushing his career is obviously ‘strong’ in some respects that there are many ways people show strength: and when push comes to shove you may prefer someone who is emotionally strong for you rather than a brute in the boardroom.
I would love to hear your thoughts on whether you think you have to date the nice guy – jump in on the debate at www.hayleyquinn.com/club
(and in the mean time ‘hey Sexy!’ to all the Nice Guys out there)