Why does this keep happening over and over again? You're not cursed and there's nothing wrong with you. In this blog, top dating coach Hayley Quinn shares what you need to know about emotionally unavailable men.
The Wrong One
We’ve all spent an afternoon googling, `signs he’s a narcissist,’ and, `why do I emotionally unavailable men’.You’ve told friends your love life is `crazy’ and you’ve shrugged, `you couldn’t make this stuff up’. But here is where I need you to stop.
If you allow yourself to believe that the guys you like never want to commit, or that dates always turn into disasters, you are robbing yourself of all the power you have to create change.We can’t control everything that happens to us, but there are certainly steps you can take to start attracting the man that you want.
If this is you, watch this video:
If you feel like you endlessly attract emotionally unavailable men here are also 5 tangible action steps you can take to start selecting different men. Because the harsh reality is that these men aren’t finding you, you’re choosing them. But, you can change this choice today. Start setting yourself up to form healthy relationships.
1. Tell A Different Story About Your Love Life
Everytime you tell a friend, `I only attract emotionally unavailable men,’ you are putting another brick in the wall of your belief that this is the only kind of relationship you’re going to attract.
Now, I write this not with the intention of diminishing the experience of those who (like myself) have survived toxic relationships.However, I don’t want that relationship to become your blueprint for what you expect to happen.Even if your relationship was normal, but you had a bad break up (he cheated, urgh...) then after you get over the initial (and very justified) need to vent, step away from speaking negatively about him.
Choose instead to say, `we just weren’t that compatible,’ or `yes he cheated, but I think he did us both a favour, that relationship had run its course'.
Move how you speak about former partners towards neutrality.This isn’t about letting them off the hook, it’s about giving yourself a break. I don’t want you to keep seeing yourself as someone who can only attract the worst kind of guys. I need you to see yourself as someone who is free of their past, and able to make better choices about their future.
2. Step Away From Intensity
When I was a `magnet for chaos’ in my love life, one of the hallmarks of my life was intensity. I didn’t like to do anything unless it felt intense. My workouts were fierce, my deadlines were always against me, and the men I chose weren’t interesting to me unless they swept me off my feet.To break the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable men, I had to realise I was an intensity addict.
I was `falling in love’ not through building genuine emotional intimacy, but by creating a cycle of intensity. My relationships were so on/off, I felt totally invested in the outcome of them finally turning out right.I had fallen for that old Hollywood storyline that if you persevere and fight for your love that it will all work out in the end: it won’t!
Instead you have to begin the gradual process of recalibrating your expectations about what relationships look like. Not just with men, but also with yourself.It’s about falling in love with normal life. It's about having evenings away from your phone and not needing to have a romantic interest to pass the time. Building a sanctuary for yourself of calm.
3. Be Slow To Judge
Intensity thrives on the sparky first date, the one where you skip away from it thinking, `is he The One?’.
In many ways this sounds like the first date we should all want. In fact I used to see a date as a failure if it didn’t make my heart sing.
Now, I view this differently. Feeling smitten with someone after knowing them for a few hours sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Like someone, be open to seeing them again, be moderately excited YES. Think they could be the one you’ve been searching for, NO.To choose emotionally available men who want the same things as you, you’re going to need time to get to know someone.Sometimes our gut instinct is off.
Instead do the due diligence of getting to know him slowly over a period of time so you can remain detached from needing an outcome. i.e. You haven’t got so hooked on the idea of him being `The One’ that you hold on to that idea, even when his actions shift to show you otherwise.
Let your impression of him form slowly, and pay particular attention to how consistent, communicative and open he is.
4. Remind Yourself You Are Safe
Taking your time to get to know someone keeps us safe from jumping into a relationship head first, and looking after ourselves later.
Whilst I know that so far this guide to dodging emotionally unavailable men may have read like you have to be constantly on the defensive, in reality it’s about maintaining a healthy balance between being open and trusting enough to meet people. But with sticking to your personal boundaries.
If you have had some negative experiences where someone hasn’t been able to meet your needs, use this as an opportunity to have renewed focus on what you won’t tolerate going forwards.Needless to say any man worth keeping around will be happy to take the relationship at your pace.
Just be mindful, when creating boundaries, of points 1 & 3 here about being slow to judge. It only takes one bad experience to create a knee jerk reaction of, `OMG is he a narcissist?!’. Hyper-vigilance (where you’re constantly on high alert for any boundary pushing actions) can negatively impact your dating decision making, just as having no boundaries whatsoever can.
Once again, the Holy Grail here is to achieve balance!
5. Create A Positive Affirmation, That Feels Realistic
Positive affirmations can be a great way to help your self talk around dating become more positive.However, if you’re anything like I used to be, you may find positive affirmations feel aggravating.If you can’t get through saying, "I trust in the process and I’m excited to meet someone," without a huge eye roll then you need to choose an affirmation that feels realistic and genuine to you.
Maybe it could be:
- I accept that this is a process, and I’m proud of myself for moving forwards.
- I believe there are good men out there, and I am prepared to put in the effort to find them.
- I believe in myself and know I am worthy of love.
Or whatever feels good to you!
I know being in the camp of accepting personal responsibility isn’t always a cake walk... It is A LOT easier to say `no one wants commitment anymore’ than to say, `okay I’m going to do things differently.’But if you can accept the challenge. This is ultimately the way you will change your life and reach your goals.
If you are ready to start creating that shift, then I’d love you to join me for my 4 hour long Dating Confidence workshop on March 20th 14:00- 18:00 UK time (GMT).
During the session we will look at:
- Why you’re not able to see the abundance of men who are out there for you.
- How to escape the `all the guys I like don’t like me’ cycle.
- Why he thinks fundamentally differently about dating, and how this can send you mixed signals.
- How to create an online dating profile and messaging style that allows you to stand out.
- PLUS a cocktail hour, networking and Q&A session.
This is a zoom workshop, so you can participate from home no matter where you are in the world.
As this is a digital workshop you can also use the code DIGITALPASS to get 50% off the cost of a live workshop ticket, meaning you can get access to this 4 hour small group workshop for just £95 (or the cost of a 30 minute call with me 1-1).
If you’re down to accept it is on you to create this change for yourself I would love to see you there. Head here for more information and tickets!
Sending lots of love,
Hayley
