"You’re so attractive, I can’t understand why you’re still single..."
This is not a blog about this. It is not a blog giving you the ill-thought-out advice that `you’re too in your masculine’ or `you just need to be yourself’. That's a lazy, shorthand answer for the elephant in the room of you being single.
As a dating coach, I just wanted to spend a bit of time highlighting the less explored reasons as to why I think people can remain single.
Reason number 1
The first reason why you’re still single starts with the idea that being single is somehow lesser than. I can understand why you would feel that way. Whether you’re a Miss, a Mrs or a Ms defining women in relationship to their relationship status is even in our language. Our relationship status is also something that near-strangers feel like it is OK to comment on.`...but you’re so attractive!’ they protest. All this creates a message - something about being single, especially as a woman, is just not okay.
In reality, if you allow these mental gremlins to get you down, not only will they actively create a barrier to meeting someone, they will also make your single life un-fun.
I am not sure for what voodoo reason it is but the art of being successfully single comes with really enjoying it. It is literally just the moment where you’ve come home from a great girl’s holiday, you’re messaging 3 guys at once, you crushed that yoga class and then BOOM you meet someone. Suddenly your single life isn’t something that you’re quite so quick to want to give up.
Reason number 2
The second reason why you’re still single is that you’re actually not really single. Whether it’s that you’re still hung up on your ex or in a `situationship’ you may not be as open as you think you are to meeting someone new.
I am going to level with you. There was a time I was so hung up on a guy that even though I knew he was totally wrong for me I was compelled to still follow him on social media. In some dark and unhappy crevice of my mind, I actually thought we would get back together, probably. All this meant was that even if I stumbled upon someone I actually liked it did not matter. I was in no headspace to be open to that because no one could compete with the fantasy image I had created around my ex in my head.
Likewise, if you have told yourself that you’re successfully seeing someone casually, and you’re cool with it because although YOU REALLY LIKE THEM you know they’re not looking for anything, think twice. Are you maybe holding out for someone you shouldn’t be? Are you maybe having just the fun bits of a relationship so you’re ignoring anyone who presents to you whole warts and all package? Think about it.
Reason number 3
The third reason that you’re still single (that makes the above behaviour twice as hard to escape from) is if you throw bad lifestyle habits into the mix. My PT once told me you have to treat yourself like a child! Are you eating and sleeping enough? If you are constantly stressed out and leaping from thriving inbox to thriving party - you may not have the headspace to really know whether you’re coming or going. Certainly not who you’re coming or going with.
I know it’s kind of dull and `adulting’ but if you can clean up your act, need distractions less and care for your body; you will make better decisions.
No more meeting someone at a party but being too distracted to form a connection. Or heading home with someone you’re not actually all that into. No more waking up with such a hangover that you call your old hook up buddy to come over because you need hugs! And no more staying in straight-up dodgy situationships because you can’t think clearly about things.
Reason number 4
This leads me to reason you’re still single number 4 - you are judging too fast. Now, this can be both a positive and negative judgement. It can be that you meet some feet sweeping person who seems AMAAZZZIING for about 3-5 dates before they suddenly back off (hint: they couldn’t keep up this image of themselves). Or you meet someone and quickly judge `I didn’t feel the spark...’
Whether `no spark’ means no chemistry, or you didn’t see longevity in an interaction, a lot of the time the best relationships grow. It takes maturity and a willingness to be in a relationship to slowly peel back the layers of getting to know someone, and build love and connection. As we mature we don’t experience life in the same way. What would have given us that thunderbolt feeling like a teenager, might well feel annoying as a more pragmatic adult?
Think about your friendships: I bet they took time to form. Or you met someone and it took a while to realise how awesome they are? A relationship isn’t a lottery of a chance to feel a spark, it is 2 (or more!) people who show up every day committed to building it.
Reason number 5
So probably the reason you’re still single that is the most important (number 5!) is that you need to take responsibility to create this in your life.
Relationships and love are a choice, but not one that is without its sacrifices. You give up some freedom to make it happen. The freedom to meet someone else, freedom to stay out all night, freedom to do what you want. And the freedom to fantasize about some mythical person who is your one true love.
The catch is of course that it isn’t some extra awesome person you’re searching for. You’re searching for a version of yourself who is mature enough to take the responsibility for sorting your life out. To find the love you have to be willing to face the fear of meeting new people, you have to let go of old attachments, be prepared to not judge too quickly. And to cultivate the mindset of being positive, open-minded, compromising and willing.
It requires a new version of you to break your own patterns. If you want to change where you're at, then email me & the team -> hello@hayleyquinn.com or find more about what we do by visiting our website.
