Why are you still single?
I've got for you nine brutally honest reasons why you may not have found love. Now, that's not to say that there's anything wrong with being single. Being single can be the best of times. However, I know when you are single and you want to meet someone, it can feel infuriating that you just can't pass go.
So hopefully, some of the pointers that I will be giving you are going to enable you to move forward and get past some of those blockers holding you back from meeting people.
If you're currently single, you will also know that everyone has an opinion on why you're single. These points that I'm going to raise with you today are the things I find coming up time and time again when I'm coaching people. Some of them may be more or less relevant to you.
First reason you could still be single
Your criteria are too fixed, or too fixed on the wrong things. Do you have a very rigid idea of the kind of person you're looking for? You may find when you're thinking about your perfect partner, you may accidentally described a super awesome person rather than someone who is a great match for you.
If you're saying you're looking for someone with a high-income bracket, university-educated, six foot tall- think about how you can get away from these rigid criteria. Avoid judging people too harshly and instead shift to a place of being slightly more open-minded about who your perfect partner could be. Things like height, and money can be very attractive, but they don't make a great partnership.
What makes a great partnership is someone who you find it easy to communicate with. Someone who wants the same level of intimacy and connection as you do. You want to be in a place where the relationship progresses seamlessly and easily. These are more important criteria to be looking out for because they are more telling about what the day to day reality of your relationship would be like.
Right now if you do have a fixed idea of who your ideal person is, let it go. Remember, your idea of who your perfect partner is just hypothetical. Go back to the drawing board and focus on how people are showing up for you. Focus on how you communicate and how you relate to them, rather than ticking a bunch of boxes on paper.
The second reason that you may still be single
You have too much of a rigid idea around what it's going to be like or feel like when you meet this right person for you. (Of course there's more than one 'right' person for any of us.)
When you go on your date, perhaps you're looking for a specific kind of feeling? Some would call it the spark. You believe that when you meet the right person to be with you will just know it. But, feelings can be misleading.
It's good to get away from first impressions, particularly if you've met someone online. It takes time to break the ice and get comfortable with one another. If you're in the habit of making a knee jerk judgement, based on your immediate feelings, give it more time. Get to know them.
If you're not convinced, I want you to think about some of the good friends you have in your life. I'm sure some of them you did feel an instant click with, but I bet with others it took time to appreciate what awesome qualities they had. Dating is no different.
Be open-minded about the way you're going to meet someone and around the initial gut feeling you might have when you meet them.
The third reason why you might still be single
You're hung up on someone from your past. Been there done that. Bought the t-shirt. It's not much fun. And you know what? It can be really hard for the people that you're meeting and comparing with a rose-tinted version of your ex. Particularly if you had a relationship that was super romantic one minute, super off the next.
The problem with this is your past relationship didn't last long enough. You never got into the point of the relationship where it felt mundane or familiar or normal routine. This could be indicating that you're addicted to the high of the romance and the initial moment of meeting someone.
Letting go can be hard, but do what you can to shut those doors for good. Write down 10 reasons why your ex wasn't suitable for you. Block them on social media. Recover and start focusing on how you can form new and different connections with people.
The fourth brutally honest reason you're still single
You've become hypersensitive to negative dating experiences. Now, we've all been there, we've all had bad experiences.
When you've had a bad experience, it can be difficult to let that go and recognise this isn't how everyone wants to treat you. You may have left a relationship feeling like you didn't stand up for yourself. You may have felt that you let your boundaries slide so you became a bit of a doormat.
This might lead you to the point of becoming so vigilant against being mistreated again, that you've become intolerant and hyper-vigilant. You go into every relationship looking for red flags and with a sixth sense of danger. Ultimately you over analyse things and overreact if someone does something wrong. Even if it's just being a few minutes late for a date.
It could be easy for you to over-interpret somebody's actions as being those that lack respect. But I want you to remember that there is a huge difference between collapsing your boundaries and being open-minded enough that you're able to take a leap of faith to meet someone amazing.
My fifth reason you're still single
This one is a simple one. You don't have the time. Dating isn't that different to any other area of our lives. It does require time, dedication, and focus, and it's usually not a quick fix.
Focus on creating the time for yourself to achieve your dating goal. It could be as simple as saying that every day, you're going to create 10-minute windows to respond to people's messages online. This way you won't let a great opportunity go cold because you've somehow forgotten to log into the app.
Save one or two evenings a week for dating related stuff. Now, this doesn't have to be a date. But it does mean you have that time and flexibility if a date comes up. If a date doesn't appear in that time slot, this doesn't need to be wasted time. It could mean that you go to an activity where you stand an opportunity to meet and connect with new people. Or you do something that cares and nurtures you.
Don't feel the need to over cram your diary and not leave room for serendipity or the opportunity to get to know new people. If you are super organised and super busy, actively create windows of time within your diary to dedicate time and focus to your dating life.
My sixth reason why you're still single
You're not being proactive enough. Dating is a marathon. It's not a one size fits all type of thing. We're not going to mystically meet the right person. It's usually about consistently putting yourself out there, and being ready to make some changes if that's not working.
This could be that you dedicate time to take up a new hobby or interest. It could be that you get used to being proactive and sending the first message on a dating app. You even sit down in front of a close friend and ask if there's anyone they can matchmake you with?
The key here is to understand you need to make effort in this area of your lives to find the partner that you want.
How can you now motivate yourself again to find dating more fun, more engaging? How can you start taking more of the positive action that you need to put yourself out there?
The seventh reason why you might still be single
My seventh reason you're still single is that you come on too strong. Now it's great to be in touch with your feelings and to be able to express them. However, a problem can arise when people sense that you're more invested in the outcome of dating experience than they are. They can almost feel pressured, awkward and ready to withdraw. I don't want that to happen to you.
When we come on too strong and wear our hearts not sleeves it might also be insincere. It might come from a place of giving too much meaning to a great first date or two.
Not coming on too strong and not over giving at the start of a relationship is all about maintaining good standards for yourself. It's about understanding that falling in love and building that bonding connection takes time. Don't put someone on a pedestal right away.
If you find yourself slipping into the habit of skipping away from a first date thinking how wonderful they are, remind yourself of the word "maybe". Maybe, they're wonderful. Maybe they're funny and emotionally available, but you just don't know yet. Give yourself time to get to know people before you put them on a pedestal.
The eighth brutally honest reason you're still single
Okay, so my eighth brutally honest reason why you're still single, is to do with your current lifestyle. Are you working too much? Drinking and partying too much?
We're all a work in progress. No one's life is perfect. But ultimately, you want to be sleeping, right? You want to be eating right and be as healthy as possible to be in the right mindset to attract a partner. If you frequently feel foggy, confused, and disorganised, get in control of that stuff first. Once you do, you're going to make better decisions when it comes to dating.
The ninth reason why you might still be single
My final, brutally honest reason why you're still single, is you just need to keep going. Sometimes there isn't a reason for this.
When you're single and want to meet someone, it can lead you to over analyse why this is the case. (And of course everyone around you will love to formulate a reason why you're still single.) But the truth is, it could just be a case that you're doing all the right things, you are in the right place but you need to relax a little bit around the outcome. Start to trust and believe if you keep taking the right action steps, this is going to happen for you.
