Dating is a marathon and not a sprint
Huge part of dating success comes down to your motivation levels. Can you keep your dating motivation? Can you keep your self esteem enough to see this journey through?
Staying motivated in dating after several not-so-successful dates can be really hard. But that next date could be the one where you meet someone great! This is why I want to help you keep your motivation levels sky high, with these 10 tips!
Tip number one
Keep your feet on the ground and don't build high expectations too soon. This is often a recipe for disappointment.
If you're the kind of person to wear your heart on your sleeve, it is time to learn to take a step back. When you find someone you click with on a date, are you going to be messaging your whatsapp chat of mates on the way back saying how excited you are and you've met the coolest person? This is where you need to learn how to rein yourself back a little bit more and be more balanced in how you're engaging with people.
It could be as simple as saying a mantra before you get to know them a bit better. Remind yourself that at the moment it's a maybe. So every time you want to tell someone he's such a great guy, or you’re so similar to people, stop yourself and think "maybe".
At those early stages of dating, you are getting a brief split second impression of a person. You are not getting to know who they are. So instead of getting carried away with that first impression, keep doing what you can to ground yourself in the present day. Allow yourself to develop your expectations around someone gradually.
Tip number two
My second tip for keeping your dating motivation levels high is to be honest and realistic about what somebody can offer you. If it doesn't line up with what you're looking for, be brave enough to walk away.
One of the easiest ways to ding your motivation levels is to end up feeling like you're chasing someone who isn't reciprocating. This could be that you keep dating someone who's clearly communicated to you that they're not looking for the same kind of relationship that you are.
It's a very easy way to get demotivated when you throw your good energy after bad!
Tip number three
Talk about your dating life in a positive way. This is difficult, sometimes it’s easier to deflect attention away from what’s really going on for you by saying, `I just meet all the crazy people’. But I want you to be careful about the narrative that you are creating for yourself around your dating life.
It's better for you to try to adopt a more neutral perspective. Think:
I am enjoying getting to know lots of new people. Ultimately yes I want to be in a relationship but I’m secure enough in myself to wait for the right person.
Try and get in this mindset where the more you're talking about your dating life, the more you are being neutral about it. This will also help your perception to shift about what you're able to achieve.
Tip number four
My fourth tip for retaining your dating motivation levels, is if someone tells you a reason why your dating life is so bad, you don't need to take that on board.
One of the most annoying things about being single is that everyone has a reason and an opinion as to why you're single. And they love to tell you even though they haven't lived your life or walked in your shoes. They like to tell you it's because you're too picky and have too high expectations. You are unrealistic. You need to like different qualities. Whatever it is, whilst there might be a grain of truth in this feedback, this doesn't need to become your story. You don't need to then start walking around worrying that you have attachment or commitment issues.
Remember, you and only you, know what you are okay with. You are on the journey to meet someone and will get there in your own space and time. Be careful about taking on other people's narratives for why you're single.
Tip number five
Take some time out from dating. When I was single, I hated it. Being told I needed to take some time out felt like going back on the bench.
If you are not making any progress, and you can't think of anything that you can do differently, taking a break will do you wonders.
Sometimes when we get too stuck on one problem, we lose our perspective on it and our ability to be innovative and to think of different options. What can you change that's going to make you feel happier? If you're losing that sense of perspective, having a mini timeout for yourself, where you're not focused on it as a problem can give you a bit of mental headspace.
This could lead to a realisation that you do not want to use dating apps right now but to meet people in real life. Or that you are going to do a video call before you go on a date with someone to see if there is a degree of connection.
Give yourself enough of a break that you're able to have those realisations. This will allow you to create the change, you need to keep your motivation levels high, and to get what you want.
Tip number six
My sixth tip is to change up how you meet people. Online dating can be amazing, it can give you so many opportunities to meet people that you would have never had the ability to in normal life.
But, if you've been using it day in day out for a while, you may find that you're getting slow to respond to people. Perhaps you've found that the chats are becoming duller. Generally, it's not doing it for you.
If this is the case, again, take a break from that method of meeting people. Switch yourself to all the other ways you could meet someone. That could be a speed dating event in your local area. Maybe you can check out a hobby or an interest where you might meet people you're interested in, or calling up a matchmaker? Or you can do something different is one of the best ways that we can get new energy to address an issue.
Tip number seven
Before you agree to go on a date, ask yourself if this decision to go on a date supports your self esteem? Do not go on dates because you think you should, or because you haven't been on a date in a while. Don’t arm twist yourself to go on a date, because you think you have to, or you should do.
First of all, this isn't really setting you up to really get to know this person and be open to them. It's sending a very negative signal to you about what you deserve in your dating life.
It can be better to take a bit of space, a bit of time, restore your energy levels, and then choose to go on dates. You need to at least feel a degree excited about meeting someone.
Tip number eight
My eighth tip for getting your dating motivation levels back is all about how you can develop more self care. I know what it's like when you have a big goal, like you want to form a relationship. You can put all things aside, to get onto that date with a guy.
You might find that you're cancelling on friends, or you're dragging yourself out on a Friday night despite being exhausted from work. Perhaps you’ve agreed to a date with someone that you know you shouldn't go out with because they can't give you what you want or you're not at all interested in. But you do it because you'll have spent a whole weekend by yourself.
This is a signal that you need to make that whole weekend by yourself better. How can you make it more rewarding? How can you make it more exciting for you? Is there something you can treat yourself to? What can you do that will make that experience of being with yourself more rewarding?
Ultimately, hanging out with yourself should always trump going on a date you're not sure about.
Tip number nine
Always go on dates that you'll enjoy anyway, even if you don't feel you’ve clicked with someone. Back in the day, I used to drag a lot of guys to yoga classes! I knew that even if I don't fancy them at least I was gonna get a bit of a workout.
Think about dates, where regardless of the connection you have, you are going to enjoy it. Challenge yourself and try to think creatively about dates.
Stop agreeing to go on quick "let's grab a drink after work" dates and move towards doing dates which are more high quality experiences for you.
Tip number ten
My final and probably the most important tip is to think about other areas of your life. Is there anything that's really obstructing you now from having the levels of dating motivation that you need?
Do you have a punishing schedule at work with very little free time? Are you seeing someone who's already in a relationship and you're not getting so many of your relationship needs met through him?
Look at your wider lifestyle and think critically about if that’s the thing stopping you from feeling energised about dating.
Need more help with your dating motivation?
Remember, there's a really good chance that there's not something majorly wrong with you no matter what everybody says. It could just be that you need a bit of a pep talk. You need your energy levels to come back. You need motivation and you need to get out there for a little bit longer. I know how tough that can be, but I believe you can do it.
So if you're currently struggling with your dating motivation levels, and you really want to learn how to be more confident with dating, get clear about it, I'd highly recommend you enroll in my free online mini training. Or you can always just talk to me!
