The Friendzone is particularly painful because you got in it by being a good guy – or what you think it means to be the good guy.
I imagine if there’s a woman you like romantically who you’ve never crossed a physical line with it’s because you respected her so held back. You thought, ‘I really like this woman, so I’m not going to mess this up.’
Or, ‘she’s told me she’s not really looking to date right now so I’ll hold back.’
Or, ‘I’ll wait for the RIGHT TIME, when I get a STRONG SIGN, that she wants me to move this forwards.’
Don’t get me wrong: I love that you are a considerate man. I respect the fact that you are not an asshole and that you are trying to do the right thing. I just don’t want the women of the world to miss out on you, because you don’t put your intentions across clearly. From the thousands of guys (and girls) I’ve worked with as far as I can see the Friendzone gets started in the following way:
Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Guy doesn’t think it’s the right moment to make a move so hangs back. Girl thinks guy isn’t that interested. Or the girl doesn’t become that attracted to him because he’s not behaving in a ‘sexually interested’ way towards her. Or the girl doesn’t want to make a move because women have been conditioned to think they can’t* so nothing ever happens at all. All things being even, the Girl is eventually approached by another guy. Guy number is 2 is more direct, (and may or may not be an asshole) and so starts to date him. Girl sees no conflict in telling Guy 1 about Guy 2. Guy number 1 is really annoyed that after he put in the groundwork he’s stuck in the Friendzone: Guy 2 turns out to be an asshole.
*Of course I am also teaching women with my HQ Club to be comfortable with making the moves, but this is going to take some time.
So instead I am going to preach to you as to why and how you need to get out of the Friendzone. To do this I take the guys I work with through my signature 12-week training program Academy because it takes a while to crush through lifetime habits.
I understand that making a move can feel intimidating but I can promise you now that getting a ‘no’ is nowhere near as annoying as not making a move, and letting another guy take your place.
If you make a move in the right way you will always be better placed. For one you save time (I have had guys who have been in the Friendzone for 8 years! That’s 8 years of not moving on and being able to meet all the other women that are out there because you’re too hung up on one of them!) The Friendzone leads to resentment because she’s not available to you, and a really boring dating life. I really do not want that for you.
The good news about making your intentions clear is that even if she doesn’t feel the same way you get feedback as to why. If you know what her objection is at least you have something to work on. You also have a choice to change or move on. That’s so much better than sitting on the Friendzone sidelines waiting and wondering.
There’s also a chance if you put yourself out there she will react positively: you will get the girl. I’ll say it again: you will get the girl.
All that stands between you and her is risk: I want to give you the training and support on Academy to get to the place where you can make the jump in.
To help you to action this let me tell you a few things I know about how women experience dating. Women aren’t so instant in their attraction: she often needs a guy to behave towards her in a way that is sexual and romantic for her to get those feelings. Put bluntly she doesn’t get turned on just by looking at you.
This is more good news because getting out of the Friendzone is easier than you might think by changing your behaviour. You don’t need to change your looks (as long you’re pretty hygienic and healthy!). You don’t need to change your social background. You probably just need to change how you act around her to be a better representation of how you actually feel towards her. For instance there’s not point helping her out, hanging out with a big group of friends, grabbing coffee, NEVER TOUCHING OR COMPLIMENTING her, then expecting her to mystically see you as a potential boyfriend.
So if you Friendzone yourself (yes it is self inflicted) by hanging back then she won’t FEEL the attraction to see you as a boyfriend; then because she believes men who attracted to her enough will make a clear move, she is unlikely to hit on you.
This leaves a big mess where lots of compatible men and women are not connecting. I want you to take the responsibility to get out of the Friendzone and learn how to show her how you feel. On Academy we go through 12 weeks of WhatsApp, Webinar, Video Course and Live Training to make that change. Habits take time to reverse. For now though with women you like I want you to give her the chance to like you as a boyfriend: and if she doesn’t I want to give you the chance to say:
“I hear you – however I wouldn’t be being honest with you to pretend I just see you as a friend. We can still hang out, but know I’m attracted to you.”
And hopefully if you follow my advice then you won’t even need to say that, hopefully we’ll just get you out of the Friendzone and into a relationship with the awesome woman you like. The keys to this are:
- Expressing your intentions clearly from the get go – this means paying her a light compliment the first time you meet her, “you make great eye contact..”
- Being comfortable with physical touch. Touching her, seeing how receptive she is this. Coming closer into her personal space, seeing how she feels about that creates feedback loops for you as to what she’s interested in. Of course you always respect her but if you don’t ever try moving closer (this could be as simple as a few brief touches to her arm using your hand) you never set the relationship up in a way that it can develop beyond a friendship.
- Go on dates. The first time you meet she may only feel comfortable with a coffee: but ask for dinner, for cocktails. Let her know you want to take her out, not just hang out.
To exit the Friendzone you need to get better at communicating with her and also more comfortable to lead with what you want. This means you have to get up off the sidelines, stop waiting for a magical sign from her that isn’t going to come, and make it happen.
To develop your sexy edgy (& save yourself literally years of not being in the game) check out my Academy program and keep reading this blog!
Sending you lots of love